[Hello friends! I wrote this a few weeks ago, and then didn't have time to return to it. So here's my heart then and now]
When this space is quiet, it usually means that my literal, in real life space is anything but. And that's the case for now. My whole world is screaming from change while we prepare for an international move. Let those last two words sink in...they're pretty terrifying no matter which side of the world you're moving from. All the details involved in this little leap across the world would be enough to make your head spin and and then make you vomit. Our apartment looks like someone robbed us...why must packing and sorting always go like that? And I must say, if you could see into our hearts, they probably wouldn't look much different than our apartment. Emotions and fears and rejoicing of every kind, scattered into every corner.
I've learned, in my short life, that time is wasted, literal hours and days and years of life, by trying to mask what's really going on. That just makes me tired thinking about the upkeep of all that. I'm not really sure when I decided that was not worth it. I-just-can't. So these words you read here aren't made up for dramatic effect. I wouldn't have enough energy for that if I tried.
These words are the outpourings of a heart too tired of holding it all in anymore. I have a thing for outpourings and the people they belong to, because in the big fat middle of them, you meet honesty face to face. You see the nitty gritty of what it takes to live through this life and come out again and again on the other side of all the things. In the middle of outpourings, you sometimes (ahem every time) find that soul sighing of "yes! I'm not the only one!" Surely you've felt that once in your life, if you're lucky, many times.
Sadly, having the opportunity to peer that deep into real life doesn't happen all too often because there is a lack of honesty and a lack of caring. The two go hand in hand, really. No one wants to pour out their deepest heart when they don't think anyone cares. And other times, no one cares to hear anyone pour their heart out.
But what if we all decided to jump into life with both feet? What if we all take a deep breath, and open our hearts to care. What if we all decided to be more brave and be more honest? What if we wasted way less time and dropped our masks? I think we would all look around us and sigh that deep soul sigh that says..."really? Me too!"
So, here's me mask-less (which is usually my norm): I've been searching for some order in all this chaos. Not just physically but, goodness, my heart needs calming way down! Does chaos in your heart make it hard for you to breathe too? Whew, good. Me too.
The other day, we were having a dance party in the car as we were zooming down the autobahn. The kids were giggling, and dancing and singing..."who brings my chaos back into order? The King of glory, the King above all Kings!" My heart slammed in my chest. Mmmmmm.
Is this Jesus stuff for real? Isn't it just for the weak? Yes it is. For those so weak that they can't go on, but they do and they go on in strength because the Jesus stuff is real and his strength and love is for real and it changes your life every day. That's the camp I'm in. Too weak to do this life on my own, no matter how hard I try. Why would I want to go at this alone, when I can have the King of everything walking with me?
So, there you have it. I'm counting on Jesus and asking and experiencing him bringing my chaos into order.
And I'm taking a little break during all this craziness. I'll see you soon, on the other side of the world.